Feeling Invisible : How Emotionally Absent Mothers
                                Fail to Mirror Their Daughters

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Emotionally absent mothers don't see their daughters as they are. Daughters grow up feeling invisible, and misunderstood, and confused about their identities.

For most kids growing up, their mothers act as a mirror – reflecting who they are in a positive way that builds their self-esteem. If a child is a bookworm, her mother might say: “You're so calm and thoughtful. You enjoy reading a good novel and pondering its meaning.” If a youngster is on a swim team, her mom might comment: “You really put in the effort to perfect your strokes. You're not the fastest, but you always have great form and it serves you well.” It feels great to be seen for who you are. But for daughters of emotionally absent mothers, this mirroring often doesn't happen, leaving them feeling invisible within their families and confused about their identities.

Without that feedback from a loving, perceptive adult, many of us daughters grow up not knowing who we are. I, for example, never understood that I was an introvert. I just knew that I was different from my peers – not liking crowds, noisy places, and group activities. I felt like an outcast most of my life, thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. This became most pronounced during my high school where I lacked the social skills to make friends and become part of a social group.

My mother, preoccupied with herself and not in tune with me, never saw that I was struggling. She only saw me as she wanted me to be – bubbly, chatty, and vivaciousness (the exact opposite of who I was). Throughout high school, I suffered from severe anxiety and depression. No one saw my pain and no one reached out to help. Because of that experience, I still have trouble even today trusting people and believing that they want the best for me.

Not understanding who I was created problems well into adulthood. I chose a career – teaching – that was ill-suited for me as an introvert and made my life miserable. Going to work every day - literally surrounded by kids - was draining and unsatisfying. I didn't like teaching and didn't think I was good at it. That made my self-loathing get even deeper.

Fortunately, as an adult, I chose well when it came to a life partner. I picked a man who sees me. My husband understands my introversion. He not only accepts it but loves me for it. He doesn't want me to be anyone different than I am. He doesn't deny the parts of me that are less than perfect. His love and acceptance has gone a long way to helping me love and accept myself. But, because of the lack of mirroring during childhood, I will probably always struggle with liking myself.