Daughters of Emotionally Absent Mothers: Finding Our Voices and Using Them After Years of Silence

 

A woman recently blasted me over one of the posts I'd written about my experiences as a daughter of an emotionally absent mother. She lambasted me for being critical of my mom, calling me selfish and ungrateful. She told me to get over myself, stop playing the blame game, and get on with my life.

 

While it's never fun to receive such brutal condemnation, it made me stronger in my resolve to keep telling my story, using it to heal my pain, and connecting with others who've had a similar journey. It also made me appreciate how important it is that we daughters of emotionally absent mothers don't let ourselves get silenced ever again like our mothers did to us as kids. Without a doubt, we need to understand, acknowledge, and articulate our personal histories to become stronger and move forward. While that woman accused me of wallowing in the past, I know the truth: my past is the map I need to propel me to a better future.

 

The irony of this woman's criticism was she was giving me that same old message my mother had given me as a kid: your emotions don't matter, your opinions don't matter, and you just need to stuff them both. I had done just that most of my life and became a nothing of a person, overeating and taking anti-depressants instead of articulating my thoughts and feelings. I kept silent for so long because I was told what I had to say was either wrong or worthless.
 

In the news recently, there's been story after story of prominent people getting in trouble for voicing their controversial opinions on Twitter and Facebook. In their bubble of celebrity-hood, these famous folks believe their adoring public want to hear all their rants and ravings on a wide-variety of topics, political and otherwise. They don't express themselves for therapeutic reasons but to feed their egos and garner more attention.

We daughters of emotionally absent mothers are in the opposite position. We grew up with mothers who, for a variety of reasons, couldn't deal with us expressing our emotions and opinions so they shut us down time after time. Then we eventually shut ourselves down, believing we had nothing valuable to contribute. There were decades of my life were I lived isolated from others because I was scared to voice what I felt and believed. I took anti-depressants instead of talking.

 

Unlike celebrities, we don't have a national platform to let ourselves be heard. Some of us use social media but this often leads to even more isolation and despair so we need to be cautious. The good news is writing doesn't need to be read by anyone else to have a powerful therapeutic effect on us. It doesn't need to be put out in the universe for public consumption but can be kept alone in a journal.

 





 

While I temporarily felt like a little girl scolded by her mother when that woman blasted my words, I eventually felt empowered. Who the hell was she to tell me what I can or can't write? Who is she to tell me to get on with my life when she doesn't even know me or the journey I've traveled? Voicing our feelings and opinions, though, means we'll always meet up with that type of person who'll try to suppress us. They may spot a weakness in us—the part from our childhood that feels unworthy—but we need to prove them wrong and voice our truth and never be silenced again.

 

Why Daughters of Emotionally Absent Mothers Need to Praise Themselves

There's a lot written today about adults who lavish too much praise on children, always telling them how amazing they are, exaggerating their accomplishments, and giving them a trophy or ribbon for every little achievement. Psychologists claim that parents who do this turn their children into “praise junkies,” who need constant validation to feel good about themselves. For us daughters of emotionally absent mothers, however, this current parenting phenomenon is a far cry from our own childhoods when compliments were scarce and criticisms were bountiful.

Pixabay (modified)

Throughout my childhood, my mother always nitpicked my appearance. My internal world—my feelings, hopes, and dreams—were never of interest to her but my looks were and they were never good enough. I was too fat or too thin. My hair was too straight. My skin was too oily. My legs were too thick. During my teen years, there was always a blemish or two on my face for her to point out and make me feel even more self-conscious. As an emotionally absent mother, she never realized what a long-lasting toll this would take on my self-esteem.

Even today, as a middle-aged woman, I struggle to put myself out there in the world, wanting instead to hide my ugly, offensive self behind the safety of my four walls. It's a battle some days for me to leave the house. When I'm talking with people, I often imagine they're having a running commentary in their minds about how unattractive I am, harshly judging each physical flaw just as my mother did.

When we didn't get built-up by our parents as kids, we have a shaky foundation as adults. That's why it's so valuable to make a conscious effort to praise ourselves for our accomplishments: both big and small. This is extremely difficult for us daughters of emotionally absent mothers because we believe we're undeserving. We're fabulous at putting ourselves down but horrible at shoring ourselves up. At first, it may seem awkward and even painful to give ourselves compliments, but it gets easier with practice and with time. Then, it becomes something we can't live without because we're now nourishing ourselves with what we were lacking for so long.

Pixabay (modified)

At night before I go to bed, I end on a high note by writing five successes I had over the course of the day. Taking time to notice my achievements is the opposite of how I've lived most of my life, focusing on my failures. These don't have to be big milestones like getting a promotion or having a book published. They can be small everyday accomplishments such as making your teenager laugh, planting tulip bulbs, giving a co-worker some good advice, reading three chapters of a novel, organizing your pantry, or preparing a healthy dinner for your family. What's most important is that these are successes in your estimation and not necessarily anyone else. After a miserable childhood when your mother determined your self-worth, you are now seizing control. You deserve that for yourself...at long last!

The title of this book speak loudly and clearly to those of us with emotionally absent mothers. Our childhoods, full of criticisms and void of praise, left many of us running on empty. For most of my life, I've felt tired and drained and wondered if I'd ever feel joy. Always feeling exhausted, I fueled myself with food, hoping I'd get energized but never did. When I finally identified myself as the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I felt tremendous relief and I couldn't read enough on the subject. This book is one of my favorites!

          Emotionally Absent Mothers: The  Invisible Form of Neglect

Emotional neglect doesn't leave any bruises, but it's still incredibly painful.

Unfortunately, many of us don't realize we grew up with an emotionally absent mother until we've suffered from it for decades. We've blamed ourselves, wondering why we couldn't get traction in life, having successful careers and relationships like those around us. We've wondered why we're always running on empty, so tired and defeated. I always wondered why I couldn't get a handle on my overeating, why I had to stuff myself with high-calorie foods and over-indulge in sugary treats. Was I just a pathetic loser with no self-discipline and pride or was there another explanation hidden in my childhood?

The emotional neglect we experienced as kids is something most of us don't recall, but it molded who we are. I had an unhappy childhood, always feeling alone and disconnected from my parents and siblings, but not knowing why. Everything seemed to be in place; we had a nice home in a middle-class neighborhood, attended church on Sundays, and played on sports teams, but I felt so alone and sad.

My mother took me to a child psychologist once when I was a teenager. Even though I was profoundly depressed at that time and probably needed to be put on anti-depressants, she said the psychologist told her to take a step back from my problems and focus on herself. When I think back on this as an adult, I'm 100 percent certain that's not what the psychologist said; that's only what my mom wanted to hear. She was too caught up in our own world to see my suffering and take the time to deal with it. Even today, decades later, she'll mention how I was depressed during high school, and how hard it was on her!

Most moms and dads are attuned with their child's emotions, and the parent-child bond is strengthened because of it. Parents will acknowledge a youngster's feelings with comments such as: I know how frustrating it is to study for a test and then do poorly...I bet it's hurtful when Lily plays with Cassidy and leaves you out...I would be so nervous if I had to audition for a play like you did. It's a beautiful dance of warmth and acceptance, of saying I see you and I love you.

Daughters of emotionally absent mothers, however, don't get to participate in that dance because their moms are cold and disconnected. Instead of acknowledging a daughter's feelings, an emotionally absent mother ignores them. In some cases, she may even shame her daughter for having such emotions, making her feel weak, stupid, and foolish.

While growing up, we had a dog named Arfy with whom I shared a special bond. I'd take him for daily walks after school and teach him a new trick each week. He definitely liked me more than my sister and brothers, and that made me feel great. My mom took him to the vet for his yearly check-up one day while I was at school. She was told that Arfy was getting old and had many costly health problems. She decided to let the vet put him down right then and there. When I came home that day, she explained Arfy's absence in a matter-of-fact manner. When I burst out in tears, she reacted with anger and scolded me for crying. She made herself the victim, saying I had no right to feel bad about the situation because she handled it correctly. She never acknowledged my special relationship with Arfy and the pain I felt at not being able to say goodbye to him.

That was just one example out of dozens when she shut me down and shamed me for my feelings. I learned at an early age to keep my emotions in check, bottled up, and in control. Having an emotionally absent mother fundamentally changed who I was meant to be. I went from being an outgoing child into an isolated adult who didn't trust people and no longer enjoyed socializing.

When I finally realized I was the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I started to make changes in my life. I saw how I was becoming like my mother, dismissing people's feelings and acting cold. I sometimes even shamed my sons when they expressed their emotions to me. I knew that had to stop.

Today, I am a more compassionate person because I'm taking care of myself and healing the pain from my childhood. Ironically, my mother is now in her late 70's and I listen to her a lot, complaining about her aches and pains and telling me how hard it is to get old. My heart is now open to all she says because I've forgiven her and, by doing that, I've freed myself to embrace all the good that life has to offer. I finally feel free and hopeful.

The title of this book perfectly describes how many of us daughters of emotionally absent mothers have felt all our lives. I always felt tired, drained, and depleted even in my teens and twenties. From reading this book, I realized that this is a common symptom of emotional neglect. I always believed I was  heavily flawed and blamed myself for all my shortcomings. This book helped me see that the neglect I had known as a child hurt me immensely but that I could overcome it.

Why Daughters of Emotionally Absent Mothers Should Start Gratitude Journals

As daughters of emotionally absent mothers, it's easy for us to fell into the negativity trap, focusing on what we don't have—the warm, loving connection between parent and child. We blame all our problems—divorces, failed romances, job losses, low self-esteem, overeating, drug addictions—on our moms. We have pity parties where we mourn our role as victims. We behave in self-destructive ways in a futile attempt to punish our moms or make them take notice. But, the inescapable truth is we're just hurting ourselves.

Write 5 Things You're Grateful for in Your Gratitude Journal Every Day

That's why we daughters of emotionally absent mothers must make a conscious lifelong commitment to prioritize ourselves. That's tough for many of us because we weren't given love and respect as kids, and we don't think we deserve it now as adults. Many of us just don't know how to treat ourselves right so we need to start by taking baby steps. When I was in the pit of depression and self-hatred, I began my gradual climb out by following Oprah Winfrey's advice and keeping a gratitude journal. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I still remember so clearly that morning two years ago when I chose to take a positive first step toward my recovery by going to my neighborhood drug store and splurging on a gorgeous floral journal with lined paper. I also bought some colored pencils so my writing would look extra beautiful. I felt like a kid in elementary school, thrilled to have new supplies at the beginning of the year.

When I got home, I placed my purchases in a magazine rack by our fireplace—the special cozy location I'd chosen for sitting and writing in my journal each night. After tucking my sons into bed, I sat by the warmth of the glow and thought about what I was thankful for that day and jotted down 5 things. I've been keeping that ritual for the past two years without fail.

Whenever I'm feeling a little low, I read my journal and remember all the things that have brought me peace and joy—things both big and small. Buying that journal was a very tiny step on a long journey to living a life of gratitude and shedding my identity as the daughter of an emotionally absent mother. Now I see myself as a grateful person who celebrates the wonders all around me and that has made all the difference.


Move away from your identify as the daughter of an emotionally absent mother and start treating yourself with love and respect. Buying yourself a lovely gratitude journal is a great place to start. This one has lines for you to write on and also prompts and quotes to inspire you. It makes a wonderful gift for yourself or a friends who needs a pick-me-up.