The Emotionally Absent Mother and Letters of Support
Like many
daughters of emotionally absent mothers, I long to travel back in
time to when I was a little kid and get the mothering I need. Then
the big emptiness I feel would get filled up and I could
get on with my life. But since that's impossible, I looked for
someone in the here-and-now to love and nurture me in a maternal way.
If I had an unlimited budget, I would have chosen to attend
counseling with a warm and compassionate therapist, who would act
like a mother figure and guide me along my journey. But, without the
needed funds, I decided to turn to a less expensive resource – me!
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One of the best
things I did was to start a new morning ritual of writing a letter to
myself. I wrote like my ideal mother, not my idealized version
of my real mother. Mona (that's what I named her) would say
all the loving and supportive things I wanted and needed to hear. She
gave me the strength and inspiration to take on the day.
I soon looked
forward to writing these letters in the morning, jumping out of bed
to get started. It then evolved into me writing other ones throughout
the day because it was so helpful, giving me clarity and keeping me
on track. It was especially useful when my head filled with negative
thoughts, making me depressed and blocking me from achieving my
goals. Mona always had the right words to make me feel empowered.
I even took the
letter writing one step further by traveling back in time to crucial
events when my real mother was particularly cold, angry, and hurtful.
I needed Mona to walk me through those situations, giving me
emotional support and showing me that I didn't deserve that
treatment. She made me feel so much better and I gradually began to
heal from those soul-crushing experiences. I realized that I had been
like a house with no foundation – weak and ready to fall at any
moment. By traveling back in time, I was finally building a solid
foundation and getting stronger.
One letter Mona
wrote to me dealt with the agonizing decision I had to make about
re-homing my dog when he had bitten my 1-year-old son. I was
heartbroken because this dog had been a huge part of my life for many
years – long before I became a wife and mother. Instead of giving
me a hug and words of support, my mom screamed at me in rage, “Get
rid of that damn dog!” When I needed her most, she reacted with
anger and it left me feeling alone and confused.
This is what Mona
wrote to me about this event that happened many years earlier. She
finally let me put it to rest and find peace:
Dearest Daughter,
I'm so sorry you
must give up your wonderful dog, who has meant so much to you. You
and he have been a terrific team and he clearly loves you very much.
I know you'll find him a wonderful home and he'll always have a
special place in your heart.
You're already
experiencing the sacrifices a mother makes for her child. That mother
bear instinct rises up in us and we protect our kids no matter what.
Max is one lucky boy.
I love you, dear
daughter. Know that I'm always here to listen.
Love,
Mom
This book brings
great news for all of us who were under-mothered. It eases our minds,
letting us know that our histories don't need to stop us from
becoming wonderful moms. We just need to become more
mindful of what we're doing and not let the painful past of our childhoods creep into our parenting. Very inspiring!