Emotionally Absent Mothers: The  Invisible Form of Neglect

Emotional neglect doesn't leave any bruises, but it's still incredibly painful.

Unfortunately, many of us don't realize we grew up with an emotionally absent mother until we've suffered from it for decades. We've blamed ourselves, wondering why we couldn't get traction in life, having successful careers and relationships like those around us. We've wondered why we're always running on empty, so tired and defeated. I always wondered why I couldn't get a handle on my overeating, why I had to stuff myself with high-calorie foods and over-indulge in sugary treats. Was I just a pathetic loser with no self-discipline and pride or was there another explanation hidden in my childhood?

The emotional neglect we experienced as kids is something most of us don't recall, but it molded who we are. I had an unhappy childhood, always feeling alone and disconnected from my parents and siblings, but not knowing why. Everything seemed to be in place; we had a nice home in a middle-class neighborhood, attended church on Sundays, and played on sports teams, but I felt so alone and sad.

My mother took me to a child psychologist once when I was a teenager. Even though I was profoundly depressed at that time and probably needed to be put on anti-depressants, she said the psychologist told her to take a step back from my problems and focus on herself. When I think back on this as an adult, I'm 100 percent certain that's not what the psychologist said; that's only what my mom wanted to hear. She was too caught up in our own world to see my suffering and take the time to deal with it. Even today, decades later, she'll mention how I was depressed during high school, and how hard it was on her!

Most moms and dads are attuned with their child's emotions, and the parent-child bond is strengthened because of it. Parents will acknowledge a youngster's feelings with comments such as: I know how frustrating it is to study for a test and then do poorly...I bet it's hurtful when Lily plays with Cassidy and leaves you out...I would be so nervous if I had to audition for a play like you did. It's a beautiful dance of warmth and acceptance, of saying I see you and I love you.

Daughters of emotionally absent mothers, however, don't get to participate in that dance because their moms are cold and disconnected. Instead of acknowledging a daughter's feelings, an emotionally absent mother ignores them. In some cases, she may even shame her daughter for having such emotions, making her feel weak, stupid, and foolish.

While growing up, we had a dog named Arfy with whom I shared a special bond. I'd take him for daily walks after school and teach him a new trick each week. He definitely liked me more than my sister and brothers, and that made me feel great. My mom took him to the vet for his yearly check-up one day while I was at school. She was told that Arfy was getting old and had many costly health problems. She decided to let the vet put him down right then and there. When I came home that day, she explained Arfy's absence in a matter-of-fact manner. When I burst out in tears, she reacted with anger and scolded me for crying. She made herself the victim, saying I had no right to feel bad about the situation because she handled it correctly. She never acknowledged my special relationship with Arfy and the pain I felt at not being able to say goodbye to him.

That was just one example out of dozens when she shut me down and shamed me for my feelings. I learned at an early age to keep my emotions in check, bottled up, and in control. Having an emotionally absent mother fundamentally changed who I was meant to be. I went from being an outgoing child into an isolated adult who didn't trust people and no longer enjoyed socializing.

When I finally realized I was the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I started to make changes in my life. I saw how I was becoming like my mother, dismissing people's feelings and acting cold. I sometimes even shamed my sons when they expressed their emotions to me. I knew that had to stop.

Today, I am a more compassionate person because I'm taking care of myself and healing the pain from my childhood. Ironically, my mother is now in her late 70's and I listen to her a lot, complaining about her aches and pains and telling me how hard it is to get old. My heart is now open to all she says because I've forgiven her and, by doing that, I've freed myself to embrace all the good that life has to offer. I finally feel free and hopeful.

The title of this book perfectly describes how many of us daughters of emotionally absent mothers have felt all our lives. I always felt tired, drained, and depleted even in my teens and twenties. From reading this book, I realized that this is a common symptom of emotional neglect. I always believed I was  heavily flawed and blamed myself for all my shortcomings. This book helped me see that the neglect I had known as a child hurt me immensely but that I could overcome it.