Feeling Invisible : How Emotionally Absent Mothers
                                Fail to Mirror Their Daughters

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Emotionally absent mothers don't see their daughters as they are. Daughters grow up feeling invisible, and misunderstood, and confused about their identities.

For most kids growing up, their mothers act as a mirror – reflecting who they are in a positive way that builds their self-esteem. If a child is a bookworm, her mother might say: “You're so calm and thoughtful. You enjoy reading a good novel and pondering its meaning.” If a youngster is on a swim team, her mom might comment: “You really put in the effort to perfect your strokes. You're not the fastest, but you always have great form and it serves you well.” It feels great to be seen for who you are. But for daughters of emotionally absent mothers, this mirroring often doesn't happen, leaving them feeling invisible within their families and confused about their identities.

Without that feedback from a loving, perceptive adult, many of us daughters grow up not knowing who we are. I, for example, never understood that I was an introvert. I just knew that I was different from my peers – not liking crowds, noisy places, and group activities. I felt like an outcast most of my life, thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. This became most pronounced during my high school where I lacked the social skills to make friends and become part of a social group.

My mother, preoccupied with herself and not in tune with me, never saw that I was struggling. She only saw me as she wanted me to be – bubbly, chatty, and vivaciousness (the exact opposite of who I was). Throughout high school, I suffered from severe anxiety and depression. No one saw my pain and no one reached out to help. Because of that experience, I still have trouble even today trusting people and believing that they want the best for me.

Not understanding who I was created problems well into adulthood. I chose a career – teaching – that was ill-suited for me as an introvert and made my life miserable. Going to work every day - literally surrounded by kids - was draining and unsatisfying. I didn't like teaching and didn't think I was good at it. That made my self-loathing get even deeper.

Fortunately, as an adult, I chose well when it came to a life partner. I picked a man who sees me. My husband understands my introversion. He not only accepts it but loves me for it. He doesn't want me to be anyone different than I am. He doesn't deny the parts of me that are less than perfect. His love and acceptance has gone a long way to helping me love and accept myself. But, because of the lack of mirroring during childhood, I will probably always struggle with liking myself.

            To the Daughters of  Emotionally Absent Mothers: Beware of Narcissists

As the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, food fixation, and low self-esteem. But, I thank God each day my mother's indifference didn't lead me into the arms of a narcissist as it often does when daughters feel unloved and invisible. I know because that's exactly what happened to my sister.

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The daughter of an emotionally absent mother is attracted to a narcissist because he's charming and charismatic. She stays with him because he's familiar - detached and unavailable -  not unlike her mother.

It's not surprising that young women, having grown up with a mother who doesn't connect with them, are attracted to a charming narcissist. In the beginning of a relationship, he presents himself quite well and his self-absorption is not so evident. He's confident, loquacious, and charismatic. He's perfectly at ease talking with strangers at restaurants, the theater, and the ballpark and this impresses her. She feels proud to be on the arm of someone who's self-assured. He also talks a good game, painting a picture of a future full of great success and fortune. It all sounds promising to a young, naive woman who wants to hitch her wagon to his star.

My sister was easy prey at 18 when a narcissist entered her life. A freshman at a large university, she was on her own for the first time - lonely and scared. Our mother pushed her into joining a sorority and that experience turned out to be a bad one for an introvert. My sister was trying to be the daughter our mother desired – bubbly, chatty, and effervescent but, in reality, she was a bookworm. She'd rather sit in a quiet spot and read than attend a fraternity party. But my mom couldn't see that... let alone accept it.

After she married, my sister gradually realized her husband was a narcissist. Two decades later in couples counseling, a therapist confirmed it. Her childhood with an emotionally absent mom had led her to a guy who was all too familiar – detached, manipulative, and lacking empathy. He took and took while giving little in return. He couldn't handle the slightest criticism and blamed my sister for everything that went wrong in their lives. While most of us would bail, she stayed because it was familiar. Playing second fiddle to her husband was exactly what she had done while growing up with our mom. It felt safe.

My sister has now been married to a narcissist for over three decades. It's been hard. Her four children, all in their twenties, struggle with a host of issues stemming from their self-absorbed dad. Their pain is what's most difficult for my sister to take, making her question the decision she made to stay married for the sake of the kids.

So daughters of emotionally absent mothers, heed my advice. Do not get married young. Figure out who you are. Establish a career. Date many different guys. Go into therapy to heal the wounds from your childhood. Be discerning in your relationships. Listen to what friends and friends say about your man. Never marry as an escape and, most importantly, understand the effects your childhood has on the choices you make as an adult.

This fascinating book contains the latest research on narcissism. We now know it exists on a spectrum and we're all narcissistic to some extent. But the focus of this book is extreme narcissists - those who can turn our lives upside-down if we have to work with them, socialize with them or, God forbid, be married to them.