The Emotionally Absent Mother in Times of Crisis

Many daughters never realize their mothers are emotionally absent until faced with a major crisis in their lives—a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, the death of a child—and their moms don't show up in any supportive way. It's this life-changing event that makes a woman stop and look at her mom in cold, hard truth. She's no longer able to overlook or explain away her mom's profound lack of emotion and empathy. While she's always suspected something was missing within her mom, she never knew for certain until that moment.

Many women have opened up to me through the years about when they finally determined their mother was emotionally absent. While many suspected for years (and even decades), it took a major crisis for them to finally see the reality. It's hard at first but eventually it leads to acceptance and understanding.

The crisis in my life that convinced me my mom was emotionally absent happened when my son got diagnosed with autism. Her reaction was one of anger, not sadness about her grandson's condition or compassion for the pain I was enduring. Her fury was unexpected and jarring and made me look back at her pattern of reacting with aggravation and avoidance at emotionally-charged situations. Whether it was my father's death, my sister's divorce, or my own teenage battles with depression, she had always gotten furious and frustrated. It became crystal clear to me that I had been expecting her to give something that she just didn't have. I wanted her to be that wise, loving, and empathetic maternal archetype I knew from TV and movies, but she didn't have it in her.

Unfortunately, many younger women have not reached the point of realizing and accepting their mom's emotional limitations. I was recently talking with my hairdresser, Kelsey, who had been in a terrible motorcycle accident the month prior. She was riding on the back of her boyfriend's bike when an SUV turned right in front of him. He crashed into the car and Kelsey went flying over it, landing on the street and skidding for 30 feet. She was left with a concussion, bruises up and down her body, a broken rib, and an achy back and shoulders.

As Kelsey detailed her mother's reaction (or lack of reaction) to the accident, it sounded all too familiar. I knew she was describing an emotionally absent mom. It was also obvious that Kelsey was far more hurt by her mom's lack of love and support during this time than any of her many injuries. Two weeks after the accident, her mother called Kelsey to ask why she wasn't at the apartment to help her move. Kelsey was taken aback and reminded her mom she was on bed rest ordered by the doctor. She wasn't supposed to drive and, most certainly, shouldn't be lifting heavy boxes. Her mom acted like this was all news to her even though Kelsey had already explained it. Then her mom told her how disappointed she was and abruptly hung up.

For Kelsey, this was the beginning point of understanding her mother's emotional shallowness. While extremely painful, it will eventually lead to acceptance and peace. Accepting that reality is inevitable and important and leads to a better life for us daughters of emotionally absent mothers.

Here's the book that began my healing: