The Emotionally Absent Mother and Hugging

I still remember the exact moment when I knew my mom was emotionally absent. It happened twelve years ago when my husband and I were going through the heart-wrenching process of getting our 4-year-old son diagnosed with autism. We had to travel an hour away to the nearest Children's Hospital and my mom stayed at our house with our newborn.

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When we returned home in the evening after a grueling day of interviews, examinations, and long periods of waiting, my mom greeted me as if we had taken my son to the amusement park for rides and games. She knew where we had been all day and what we were doing, but she wasn't invested emotionally in any of it. She didn't connect with me on any level, mom to mom, to acknowledge what a heartbreaking experience I had just endured. I felt incredibly alone.

I still remember that day as if it were yesterday. I felt so vulnerable – like I was standing there naked in front of a crowd and nobody would wrap a blanket around my body. I needed a hug more than ever before in my life, but I didn't get one. At the core of my being, I knew something was profoundly wrong in our relationship and I started to search for answers.

That's when I began reading about emotionally absent mothers and the pieces of the puzzle came together to form a clear image. Every since that day 12 years ago, I've kept in mind how important it is to hug people when they're in pain. So many of us have difficulty coming up with the “right” words to say when someone is suffering but touching is more powerful than talking. We're too worried these days about not invading people's personal space. But there's so much research that proves the healing powers of human contact. Here's some:

• Hugs help people deal with depression, anxiety, and stress.
• Hugs build trust between people, create intimacy, and give a sense of security.
• Hugs raise oxytocin levels, which alleviate feelings of loneliness, anger, and despair.
• Long, firm hugs raise serotonin levels, elevating one's mood.
• Hugs enhance self-esteem, increasing the chances we'll treat ourselves with kindness and respect.

This film won an Academy Award for Best Picture in 1980. I watched it in the theater and on television many times, always transfixed by the strained relationship between mother and son. The mom was so uptight and cold. I wanted her to hug her son so badly and make him feel better. But she wouldn't. Now I understand that this mother, exquisitely portrayed by Mary Tyler Moore, was emotionally absent. She couldn't and wouldn't give her son the emotional support he needed so badly.