Why Daughters of Emotionally Absent Mothers Need to Praise Themselves

There's a lot written today about adults who lavish too much praise on children, always telling them how amazing they are, exaggerating their accomplishments, and giving them a trophy or ribbon for every little achievement. Psychologists claim that parents who do this turn their children into “praise junkies,” who need constant validation to feel good about themselves. For us daughters of emotionally absent mothers, however, this current parenting phenomenon is a far cry from our own childhoods when compliments were scarce and criticisms were bountiful.

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Throughout my childhood, my mother always nitpicked my appearance. My internal world—my feelings, hopes, and dreams—were never of interest to her but my looks were and they were never good enough. I was too fat or too thin. My hair was too straight. My skin was too oily. My legs were too thick. During my teen years, there was always a blemish or two on my face for her to point out and make me feel even more self-conscious. As an emotionally absent mother, she never realized what a long-lasting toll this would take on my self-esteem.

Even today, as a middle-aged woman, I struggle to put myself out there in the world, wanting instead to hide my ugly, offensive self behind the safety of my four walls. It's a battle some days for me to leave the house. When I'm talking with people, I often imagine they're having a running commentary in their minds about how unattractive I am, harshly judging each physical flaw just as my mother did.

When we didn't get built-up by our parents as kids, we have a shaky foundation as adults. That's why it's so valuable to make a conscious effort to praise ourselves for our accomplishments: both big and small. This is extremely difficult for us daughters of emotionally absent mothers because we believe we're undeserving. We're fabulous at putting ourselves down but horrible at shoring ourselves up. At first, it may seem awkward and even painful to give ourselves compliments, but it gets easier with practice and with time. Then, it becomes something we can't live without because we're now nourishing ourselves with what we were lacking for so long.

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At night before I go to bed, I end on a high note by writing five successes I had over the course of the day. Taking time to notice my achievements is the opposite of how I've lived most of my life, focusing on my failures. These don't have to be big milestones like getting a promotion or having a book published. They can be small everyday accomplishments such as making your teenager laugh, planting tulip bulbs, giving a co-worker some good advice, reading three chapters of a novel, organizing your pantry, or preparing a healthy dinner for your family. What's most important is that these are successes in your estimation and not necessarily anyone else. After a miserable childhood when your mother determined your self-worth, you are now seizing control. You deserve that for yourself...at long last!

The title of this book speak loudly and clearly to those of us with emotionally absent mothers. Our childhoods, full of criticisms and void of praise, left many of us running on empty. For most of my life, I've felt tired and drained and wondered if I'd ever feel joy. Always feeling exhausted, I fueled myself with food, hoping I'd get energized but never did. When I finally identified myself as the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I felt tremendous relief and I couldn't read enough on the subject. This book is one of my favorites!