Daughter of an Emotionally Absent Mother:

Embracing the Label

Like many who work in special education, I often wondered if labels – dyslexic, hyperactive, high functioning – did more harm than good. But, after years of working in the field and having a son with autism, I decided they're a necessary evil. They're what we need to identify kids and get them the services they need. When I read Jasmin Lee Cori's The Emotionally Absent Mother, I started thinking of labels in a more positive way. By accepting and embracing the label, daughter of an emotionally absent mother, I felt like I was not alone. That label summed up my life so perfectly and succinctly. It gave me an effective way to describe my history. It helped me feel both relief and elation at finally discovering who I was.

                                            flickr creative commons (modified)

 I hated my childhood...while living it as a kid and while remembering it as an adult. But I could never quite put a finger on why it was so unhappy, lonely, and frustrating. I hated myself for the mistakes I made as a kid and wondered why I had been such a train-wreck. Why hadn't I been fun, popular, and carefree like other children? Why did I always have the weight of the world on my shoulders? Why did I find solace in food? Why did I suffer from depression and anxiety as a teen and nobody stepped in to help?

When I was an adult, my father died unexpectedly and I was able to observe my mom's emotional detachment from a safe distance. Even though she had been married to my dad for 36 years, she didn't shed a tear or express a sad sentiment. She moved on with her life unfazed. The only feeling she showed was jealousy when people said nice things about him at his funeral. (yes, she got envious of a dead man)! This was the first big moment when I started to question my mom's ability to connect with others on an emotional level. It started me thinking of all the times throughout my child when she was cold and indifferent about my feelings, causing me to shutdown, turn to food, and become more and more depressed.

I think it's so valuable for anyone who identifies as the daughter of an emotionally absent mother to make a timeline of such events and examine each one. While painful at times, it helps you understand yourself so much better. It lets you travel back in time and take care of that little girl you once were – the one who never got the unconditional love and support she deserved. She was a sweet little girl who needed a mommy and didn't really have one. It lets you realize how much she needs to be mothered now...by you!