Daughters of an Emotionally Absent Mothers: 50 Ways to Take Care of Yourself



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As the daughter of an emotionally absent mother, the biggest challenge I face each day is taking good care of myself. Growing up without a mom to love and nurture me, I developed a self-loathing that led to self-destructive behaviors, namely overeating and not exercising. I didn't value myself and didn't put time and energy into my appearance and mental health. This neglect of self resulted in obesity, depression, and social anxiety.

In a counseling session years ago, my therapist declared simply: “You've never felt special.” At that moment, I knew truer words had never been spoken. I now think of those words each day and dedicate myself to helping that wounded little girl inside of me feel better. She is special and she deserves to feel that way. She is worthy.

So instead of numbing myself with food, I made a list of 50 ways I can take care of myself – activities that bring me peace and joy. I found a way to “feed” myself without feeding myself. I encourage everyone to create such a list, making sure it contains a minimum of 50 ideas. We all deserve ways of bringing joy and tranquility into our lives but especially if you're a daughter of an emotionally absent mother.

1. walk on the treadmill while listening to Motown hits
2.  add a slice of lemon to an ice-cold glass of water and drink it slowly
3. work in the yard, pulling weeds and planting bulbs
4. take my dog for a walk
5. go to a park, find a tree, and read a book
6. write in my journal every day, keeping focused on positive thoughts and goals
7. buy a bouquet of flowers at the store to make the house look and smell beautiful
8. try a nice recipe for dinner – something healthy and delicious
9. take a long bubble bath with no distractions
10. put together a jigsaw puzzle
11. listen to a favorite podcast while cleaning the house
12. look at a scrapbook or photo album and enjoy the memories
13. make cookies for the people at our local homeless shelter
14. text my husband a loving message
15. hug my sons
16. find meaningful quotes on Pinterest and copy them on index cards to put on my bulletin board
17. color in an adult coloring book
18. go to a playground and watch kids play
19. push negative thoughts from my head
20. forgive people who've hurt me
21. do weight resistance training
22. wear something that makes me feed good about myself
23. go bowling with my family
24. play Scrabble with my husband
25. watch the birds at the feeder
26. put on music and dance
27. play fetch with my dog
28. smile at people when I'm out and about
29. think affirming thoughts to myself: You're getting a lot accomplished today... You're doing a super job at work...You're a good mom.
30. Play a board game with my family
31. Say “no” when I'm feeling overwhelmed
32. Make a cup of green tea and sip it slowly
33. Stay off social media and cultivate real relationships
34. Listen to the oldies station on the radio
35. Go rollerskating
36. Read poetry
37. Meditate
38. Write down 3 things that make me feel grateful
39. Go for a walk in nature
40. Avoid negative people
41. Take a bike ride
42. Go to the farmer's market for fruits and vegetables
43. Use a different mantra each day to focus on improving my life: Use a strong voice to show you're powerful...Food won't make you feel loved...It's better to feel sad than feel nothing at all.
44. Give my husband a massage and have him give me one
45. Eat a piece of fruit and savor every bite
46. Spend at least 20 minutes at the dinner table eating and talking each night
47. Take an evening walk with my husband
48. Say “I love you” to my kids
49. Phone someone to see how they're doing
50. Paint with watercolors or oils