Sunday, August 20, 2017

The Emotionally Absent Mother and the Parentified Daughter


Throughout my childhood, but especially during the teen years, my mother and I reversed roles. Convinced my father was having an affair with a co-worker, she turned to me for comfort and advice. Although I had no experience with romantic relationships (let alone marriage), I become her personal on-the-spot therapist. I took on the grownup role – doling out wise words and offering constant support – while she became the confused kid who didn't know what to do or where to turn. It's only recently in reading about narcissistic parents that I come across the term for what happened to me during these years; I was parentified.

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It's amazing how having a name for something brings much relief. Finally, I wasn't alone, knowing that other daughters (and sons) get parentified by moms and dads who are self-absorbed, depressed, or mentally ill. Parents who are troubled – going through a divorce, supporting a family by themselves, struggling at a job – turn to a child to help them cope. At the time this happened to me, I was flattered to be placed in such an esteemed role. After all, I was just a kid with little life experience and here was my mother coming to me for counsel. It was heady stuff but had powerful negative consequences for my future.

Now, in my fifties, I understand how extremely damaging being parentified was to my development. It separated me from my peers and the normal activities that teens do: going to football games, dating, hanging out with friends, getting a part-time job, discovering what I wanted to do with my life. Without the benefits of a carefree childhood, I grew up to be an adult who struggled with social anxiety and depression. I found it hard to build and keep relationships.

According to Dr. Samuel Lopez De Victoria, a psychotherapist, my reaction to being parentified is typical. He explains that many of us also suffer from intense anger. That was certainly true in my case. My clinical depression stemmed from the rage and frustration I had pushed down within me. Now I understand that my anger came from not having a joyful childhood and getting burdened with my mother's issues. It came, too, from feeling used by my mother. When I became a parent myself and no longer had the time and energy to listen to all her problems, she dumped me and found someone else to play the therapist role.

Now that I identify myself as a someone who was parentified, I understand my choices so much better. I see how I've avoided relationships because I didn't want to get put in another care-taking situation, feeling helpless and used. I only want healthy reciprocal friendships in my life. Knowing this intellectually hasn't yet given me the impetus to start building new relationships, but it's a first step in a long journey.


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